Dr. Yusef Bergstein, Psychoanalyst
Patient Name: Haman
Diagnosis: Patient suffers from obsessive-compulsive schizophrenia with tendencies toward hallucination and gambling. Diagnosis is based upon the following evidence:
- Delusional Psychosis Patient suffers from recurrent dreams in which his ears are filled with various flavors of fruit filling (apricot, poppy-seed, raspberry, plain, et al; did not mention lemon). Numerous children then bite at his ears and attempt to lick the fruit filling out of his ear canal. Patient then wakes up.
- Severing of the Id-Ego Relationship Patient is afraid to say his own name due to a fear that such an utterance will be met with a barrage of hollering, booing, hissing, and general noisemaking both with and without the aid of tools.
- Compulsive Gambling Patient is obsessed with playing the lottery but has never won in thirty years of playing. Patient often speaks of starting his own lottery in which the grand prize winner(s) do not win Persian cash but, instead, are hung from trees. Proceeds would benefit Persian inner-city schools.
- Oedipal Complex Patient recently disclosed to King his fears that the new Queen, Esther (formally Hadassah), was planning to overthrow the monarchy. Patient confided to me his secret fears that the Queen will one day lead a mass uprising involving thousands of women worldwide and using such “methods of destruction” as flower sales, lox boxes, and dyed polyester (“Bubbie Suits,” in the words of the patient).
Concluding Remarks: Haman is yet another example of a man who is overwhelmed by the pressures of our modern society. Career-related stresses and the burden of raising ten children have driven him to delusional aberrations founded on extreme insecurity. However, patient poses no threat to society, and I recommended to him that he overcome his fears by spending time hanging out with his kids. Besides – who would want to eat a guy’s ears, anyway?email print