HORAScopes

general
March 1, 2001
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Sue Fendrick

HORAscope Sue Fendrick Aquarius (Water Bearer) – Take a tip from a nice biblical gal: if you do it right, you might end up with a cute guy. But watch out for his father; he thinks God talks to him.

Pisces (Fish) – You’ll be chopped to bits before you know it. Respond gracefully. Style tip: a little piece of carrot makes a lovely yarmulke.

Aries (Ram) – In the early fall someone will try to blow in your ear. Don’t get too excited – a few weeks later you’ll be dead. Easy come, easy go.

Taurus (Bull) – It would be wise to consider what it means for you that the Gore years never came to pass. It’s not looking like messianic times are exactly around the corner, so your role as main course for the celebration has been deferred indefinitely. Relax.

Gemini (Twins) – Stop kicking your mother. She has enough trouble with your clueless father. Advice for some of you: remember, red lentil soup isn’t THAT good.

Cancer (Crab) – Wonder why you’re always in a bad mood? Nobody wants you around (at least not when the rabbi’s over for dinner). At least they don’t whisper your name any more. Hang in there – but you already seem to be doing that quite well, for better or worse.

Leo (Lion) – Just because a guy with your name is in power in the Jewish State doesn’t mean that self-confidence comes easily. He’ll be out of there soon anyway (hopefully before he does too much damage). If only you had courage! Focus on your inner roar – it’s the way real men (and manly animals) – show strength. Chicks love that.

Virgo (Virgin) – You go girl – still commanding quite the price at marriage time! Remember that it’s your youthful beauty and not your lack of sexual experience that counts the most. Tired of all this focus on your physical being? Find a guy, or gal, who appreciates your neshama, not just where your body’s been – or not been.

Libra (Scales) – You’ll go crazy from all the action you get for a pretty intense ten days this fall. Whether it’s God or just regular folks, everyone wants to know where things stand. Remain calm and useful and you’ll get a lot of respect- everyone knows that you control their fate!

Scorpio (Scorpion) – The desert is the best place to be these days – Jerusalem is going nuts! Keep your eye out for Jews and Palestinians running around yelling, “There’s got to be a better way!”- they’re tired and their defenses are down, and with all the pathetic politicians you’re the LAST thing they’re worried about. Easy targets!

Sagittarius (The Hunter) – You will be declared treif by the Va’ad Ha-Kashrut in Canada, along with broccoli – no one knows what species you are! Enjoy the freedom. Jury’s still out on whether you’re allowed to gnaw on your own leg if you get hungry.

Capricorn (Goat) – You’ll be bought pretty cheap in the spring. Watch out for the dog, but don’t worry, the story’s far from over when he gets you. “‘Vengeance is mine’ saith the Lord”!

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Rabbi Sue Fendrick writes occasional Torah-filled satirical songs about parts of the body, including biblical and rabbinic references. Otherwise, she rabbis, stepparents, and writes in Newton, MA.

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